Looking back on it, it was a conversation tailored just for me.
Ever have one of those?
A few weeks ago, Christopher had sat down on the couch with me to have one of those wonderful Mommy/son sort of talks -- the kind where you snuggle together and just enjoy each other's company. During our conversation, he mentioned how afraid he was of being lost.
This does not come as any surprise.
Christopher is the kind of kid who is always making sure that EVERYONE.STAYS.TOGETHER. If we are taking a walk, and someone falls a few steps behind, he will start getting anxious and urge the straggler to "hurry up! We don't want to lose you!"
You get the picture.
What I didn't understand, however, was why this was such a big fear for him -- after all, we are together all day long, and he has never been left behind.
When I asked him why he was so afraid of being lost, he said, "Well, because I've been lost so many times at the store."
I stared at him blankly and said, "Love, you've never been lost at the store."
C: "Yes I have! Many times!"
Me: "Honey, no you haven't! Why would you think you were lost?"
C: "Well, I couldn't see you, and I didn't know where you were!"
At that I chuckled a little bit and said, "Oh, I get it... You thought you were lost because you couldn't see me? Well sweetie, I promise you that there has NEVER been a moment where I didn't know exactly where YOU were..."
And as soon as those words came out of my mouth, I knew that this conversation was for MY benefit -- not his.
Those who know me well know that my biggest battle is fear. I worry, and "what-if," and frighten myself so badly that sometimes it's hard for me to function in the real world.
Jesus and I have had many, many, many conversations about this, and the whole issue of trust.
I look around and see so many tragedies... so many horrifying things happening in the world right now... and I can't see Him. I spiralled downhill so quickly over Christmas worrying about the end times (and still am, truthfully) that I thought I was starting to lose it.
It was in that context that I heard those words as coming straight from the Lord Himself: "Oh, I get it... You thought you were lost because you didn't know where I was? Well sweetie, I promise you that there has NEVER been a moment where I didn't know exactly where YOU were..."
For now, that's what I have to cling to, and that has to be enough.