Friday, June 30, 2006

Green-eyed monster

I wasn't going to write about this. I was just going to lay low for a day or two, allow the Lord to get me back on track, and then go on... But, my purpose in starting this was to share the highs and the lows of raising (and homeschooling) a large family on one income, so here goes.

It's been an emotionally rough end of the week for me. Lots of stuff to do, not enough time to do it, serious lack of sleep, and then, when I was already riding right on the edge, I got hit with it again.

The old "we don't have enough space" song and dance.


I really wish I could be done with this one already.

My prayer is that I would be able to be truly happy for others who have larger houses than me, and not get that little lump in my throat everytime.


I was at Bible study this week and it was hosted by a truly gracious lady who opened up her home to us. As we were being given a bit of a tour of the house, tears just sprung to my eyes when I saw the space she had for her kids to play in, explore, find some "alone time," etc. I was so incredibly embarrassed. No one saw me, but I was so disgusted with myself for feeling like this.

I know all the verses, and I know all the pat answers one gives at a time like this: there are so many people out there worse off, I should be thankful for what I have, my luxuries are my children, etc. And I tell myself these things often. I really do. I pray for creativity... that I would be able to use what we have, not bemoan what we don't, and travel light. I try to purge our "stuff" often.

And yet, every so often, it hits me again.

And the Lord gets to hear my tale of woe as I explain patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) that He's the one Who has given me these kids and He promised to provide and yet we're still living here and Lord I really like my cute little house but you see we need more space or at least another bathroom (we only have one) and blah blah blah blah blah.

I would think that I would have gotten past this already.

He *has* provided, and wonderfully so. We have a house, a car, a steady income, and food on the table. I know that.

He has promised to provide for our needs, not our wants. I know that.

None of this will last anyway, so why get wrapped up in worry? I know that too.

I just wish that my emotions would listen, and would settle down, and not get so easily troubled.

I wonder as well if I would ever reach the point where I felt that our house was "just right." Does one get to that point? Would I find that "comfortable zone" where I felt we were providing adequate space for the kids? Or would I forever be searching for more? I don't know.

Luke 12 (starting with verse 6)
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies[a]? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. 7Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows...

Jesus replied,... "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."

16And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. 17He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.'

18"Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. 19And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." '

20"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'

21"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

27"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

32"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

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